Engage: Understanding Entrenchment, Embeddedness, And How We Grow
“Growth always involves a process of differentiation, of emergence from embeddedness.” — Robert Kegan
We all know that person...
That one person in our life who is the “true believer.” The person who believes without a shadow of a doubt that their idea, perspective, or stance on this or that hot-button issue is irrefutably correct. Whether it be COVID or vaccines, politics or conspiracy theories, religious camps or ideologies, there are inevitably people who can only be described as... entrenched.
Being entrenched is an idea based on the picture of being fortified against attack. If anyone tries to come into their orbit, the one objective is to destroy them at all costs. To protect the hallowed ground and not give up an inch to the enemy.
If we had to describe our western society in a few words, the word I think would be mentioned the most is: divided. This divide has grown and grown, and with this increase comes entrenchment and fortification. The interesting thing about entrenchment is that it is known by both parties. It's easy to spot and it's mutually understood. It's not that challenging to recognize others (or even ourself) being entrenched in an idea or belief. There's a sense of pride that goes with it, a sense of haughtiness, of invincibility, a refusal to give up any ground on what is most certainly true.
On a positive note, while there has been an increasing divide with growing entrenchment, there's still a large part of the population who fights for the middle, trying to stave off fortification in an entrenched position. Even you, the person reading this now, will likely consider yourself one of these people. Underneath that reality is a position we are all prone to, one that is as inescapable as being human... that of embeddedness.
What They Share
Being embedded and being entrenched are realities that share many things. Both positions are:
Dualistic - a this or that, right or wrong, good or bad, win or lose type of approach
Staunch - a posture that says I don't want to give up any ground, and I'll hold it no matter the cost
Groupish - an inherent bent toward finding others in our camp and joining forces or locking arms together
Dismissive - the other, the person outside of our entrenchment or embeddedness, is dismissed and cast aside
Angry - the fact that those who are on the “outside” can't see what we see, or choose not to see what we see, only fuels our rage and disdain for the opposition
There are many characteristics that both postures share, and these are inward realities experienced by all whether or not they are outwardly expressed. If you're a human, you've felt or expressed these emotions and reactions in a variety of situations or encounters, quite possibly throughout your entire life. I don't think anyone naturally enjoys or desires to show up in the world this way, but over time these postures start becoming our default disposition, tied to our very identity at the core of our being.
So, What Differs?
Despite the many shared characteristics, being entrenched vs. being embedded differs in one major way: consciousness (or choice).
When we find ourselves entrenched in an ideology or view, 9 times out of 10 we have chosen to be in that position. We have decided to consciously lay our stake in the ground and are unafraid to defend it. There is a choice involved, of actively choosing to double down with our comrades as we defend our point of view with increasing tenacity.
When it comes to embeddedness, we often don't choose what we're embedded within, nor are we even aware of it.
I first heard this term in Robert Keagan's book on developmental psychology, titled: The Evolving Self. In it, he portrays our development as humans as a helix, spiraling upwards (early version of Spiral Dynamics, if you want a deep-dive into the weeds). This spiral shifts back and forth between two main forms of embeddedness: independence (or differentiation) and inclusion (or integration).
The point of all this is to say: we are all embedded, in various ways, throughout our entire lives.
While being embedded isn't as outwardly off-putting or difficult to deal with, the challenge is in its invisibility—in our lack of awareness with how fully we are embedded. For instance, I'm inherently embedded in: my experience of America as a white person, my perspective of faith based on the Bible, my outlook on work-ethic as an athlete, my posture as a male, and on and on it goes... and those are just the more recognizable categories, not to mention the more subtle or nuanced ones!
As we grow through life, we go through a process of understanding and recognizing our embeddedness, which often involves a painful emergence, a process of being stripped from the safety and security of our protective pictures of reality.
What's The Solution?
It starts with an understanding that embeddedness isn't an avoidable reality, although entrenchment can be. While we can't avoid the embedded-half of the struggle, we can do a better job of preventing our slide into the more harmful version of entrenchment. This is done by simply engaging.
Engaging “the other”: the person, perspective, or reality so different from yours that it seems to be from another planet. By simply, yet powerfully, engaging that opposite perspective (that feels like an opposing force), we begin to realize they have every right to their own opinion just like you and I do. And inevitably, that opinion will be worlds-different because they have a lived a life that is worlds-different than our own.
Engaging means we loosen our grip on our current embeddedness (or entrenchment), in order to make space for the other perspective at the table. It means we are able to open our minds to truly listen, not focusing on what parts of our own position we need to defend. It means we make every effort to try and see the world through the eyes of the other, and see the deeper reality beneath what words the other is saying.
Engaging with what appears as different, what seems as an opposing force, what comes across as an enemy to defend against (or to attack), that is the remedy for our inherent embeddedness and our unfortunate entrenchments.
But how do we do that well?
Keys For Engaging Well
Like any skill, engaging well requires strategy (the right approach) and practice (putting in the reps). Here are some of the things I would recommend focusing on:
Intentional — Being intentional means we are making a conscious choice. Focusing on intentionality helps us from sliding into our unconscious defaults, our ingrained biases. It also helps us continue being present in the moment while striving to engage the other in a way that brings value, worth, and understanding.
Curiosity — The beauty of curiosity is that there is zero downside. Having an approach that tries to understand before it tries to categorize or write-off is a superpower of kids and a super-weakness of adults. As a part of our developmental evolution, we categorize and systematize what we've already “figured out.” The point of curiosity is to say: we don't have it all figured out, so let's reexamine with the eyes of a child.
Consistency — Engaging is something that requires a level of consistency to make an impact. If we choose to engage 1 out of 10 times, the 9 times we don't engage will ultimately jeopardize our single effort and render it useless for the giver and the receiver of that interaction. Through practice and repetition, the goal is to make engaging the other the norm.
Prolonged Exposure — In order to truly engage, we must have prolonged exposure with the other. We come into those interactions with so many preconceived notions, it typically takes several experiences of engaging before we are able to truly let go of our biases or beliefs. In experiencing the other in many situations, environments, and seasons of life (prolonged exposure), we begin to see the shared humanity, more of what binds us together vs. the things that seem to tear us apart.
Soft Conclusions — In order to keep engaging the other, it requires us to come to what I like to call soft conclusions. It's very difficult to come to no conclusion whatsoever (try it sometime), but coming to a soft conclusion is doable. This means we have an idea of what we think, but we hold it with an open hand, acknowledging our own personal limitations in what we can individually know, while also acknowledging that everyone's life experience is vastly different and largely shapes how we show up in the world. This posture will help us continue engaging the other in spite of differences, and will continue to bring us out of our life-long embeddedness.
• • •
There are a lot of thoughts and ideas in this article, but the final thought I want to leave you with is the most important.
What is the goal? Why do the work of fighting to engage with “the other?'“ Why go through the painful process of unearthing ourselves from our perpetual embeddedness?
The goal is simply: unity.
When we hear the word unity, we often default into the idea of uniformity. Basically, we think that: “if everyone just thought the way I did then unity would be possible.” This is naive and ignorant, and, it is how we all operate. We must remind ourselves and others that uniformity is not possible, but unity is. And it is possible through the power of love by engaging the other.
Are you up for the task? I hope so, because it is something we all are in desperate need of in a time like this.
“Development is not a matter of differentiation alone, but of differentiation and reintegration.” — Robert Kegan
