CHANGE, Reminder #3 - Replacing Fear and Assumption With Love and Belief
“Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand.” — Thomas Carlyle
“What looks inevitable in hindsight is often invisible with foresight.” — Steven Kotler
How do you respond when plans change or go awry?
It seems there isn’t a person on this planet that hasn’t had their plans affected or changed in light of the pandemic that struck earlier this year.
What’s funny about change is that when we think of change we often think of big, massive changes that have taken place—losing your job, missing sports, running out of toilet paper, having to wear a mask, etc. What we don’t often associate with change are the small, daily instances where change strikes and we suddenly shift into a state of survival all over again.
It reminds me of a situation that occurred this past week to a close friend. There was a voicemail left on their phone, it was a man from the county courthouse who needed more information about a recent filing made. On the return call, the man mentioned he needed the last four numbers of my friend’s social security number, but after giving him the number, my friend immediately had a sinking feeling of fear—fearing this was a scammer that just received what he needed to steal bank information, money, and even identity...
Now I’m not making light of the frequent threat from real fraud and true scammers that are seeking to prey on victims day-by-day over the phones, that is very real. But in this situation, there was a very low possibility of that being the case. Yet, despite it not being a probable cause, the fact that the filing plans had shifted (changed) led to the assumption that the caller was trying to steal money or even worse, identity.
This is the common correlation between fear and it’s fruit: assumption.
“We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.” — Don Miguel-Ruiz
Why Does Fear Show Up?
The more we reflect back on times when we've experienced the most change, rarely does change produce greater confidence within ourselves. In fact, I don’t know if I have ever felt confidence grow because of change… well, except maybe for the time when I cut off my man-bun… (yes, I did in fact have one and may be going back to it at this COVID no-haircut rate we’re on). Here are a few examples of change leading to fear in my own life that came to mind:
My wife and I are in the middle of a house hunt and anytime communication or details change about a possible home, I immediately feel some measure of fear and then begin to make assumptions about the home or the owner or the competition.
When I’m trying to file for unemployment (thanks to the CARES Act for helping self-employed people), and the state departments come out with a new announcement delaying the day filing opens, I naturally assume I won’t receive funds, won’t have a chance to be supported, and will be too late to even get a sliver of the pie that’s left.
Change—leading to fear—leading to assumptions. This is the process that typically unfolds.
Why does it unfold that way?
Well, change is uncomfortable. It kicks us out of the known and into the unknown, and often in a moment’s time.
Change is also different, it’s not what we expected or predicted.
And finally, change produces a response, and often this response is a reaction.
All of these effects unfold in seconds of time, possibly faster than our conscious minds can even comprehend. If we aren’t conscious of the process or of the ramifications of that process, our default will be fear and the reason for this is: survival.
Why Does Fear Produce Assumptions?
Our fear response system is built into our very being as humans, and its sole purpose is survival. There are a host of bodily functions that get kicked into overdrive (heart-rate, eye dilation for focus, adrenaline and cortisol for momentary burst of fuel, elevated blood pressure to keep vital organs fully loaded, etc.), and a host of functions that get momentarily shut off (bowels, reproductive hormones and desire, etc.). These are the physical effects of fear or stress caused by some form of fear, yet there are additional effects beyond the mere physical. What happens first in the body often follows in the mind, and the fear response in our mind is often assumption.
Assumptions are ideas or thoughts we form about a thing that is accepted as true, or as certain to happen, without proof. Fear produces assumptions in our mind, and I would argue that 95%+ of news articles we read are living proof of this very statement. In fact, we don’t even have to read the article, we could simply read a headline and the natural process ensues: fear followed by assumptions.
“One never quarrels about reality; we only quarrel about opinions, about concepts, about judgments.” — Anthony de Mello
Just as physical reactions to fear are meant to help us survive, so too are the mental reactions of assumptions. By assuming the worst about a person, situation, or environment, we are gearing up for the “worst-case scenario” and are mentally preparing ourselves for that reality. This is a great survival-tool, but it’s not a good everyday-tool. This is the danger we face in our current climate.
“A wise man will be master of his mind
A fool will be its slave.” — Publilius Syrus
Why Surviving Can’t Produce Thriving
At its core, surviving is necessary for thriving. But staying in a state of survival will never lead to or produce the healthy state of thriving we all long for.
For many of us who are social distancing, stay-at-homing, or even full-on-quarantining, it is not necessary to be in a state of mere-survival. For many of us, remaining healthy is still possible and thriving is still attainable, even if that thriving looks drastically different than we had assumed it looked before COVID. Yet, one of the greatest obstacles that stands in the way of reaching this state is our default tendency of fear-produced assumptions.
It’s as simple as: “click open iPhone; tap on news app; read first headline; bodily fear-response kicks in; mental fear-response follows; assumptions ensue (namely that the world is ending and the worst is still to come).
We all have the capacity to fall prey to this process multiple times a day, and even multiple times an hour!
This is the reminder you need, and I need, in light of our propensity towards assumption:
Reminder #3: Change causes us to operate out of fear and assumption, but if we want to thrive in uncertain times we must strive to operate out of love and belief.
The poignant words from Viktor Frankl reinforce this reminder with the ability we all have as humans, the freedom to choose:
“Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose”
Choosing Love And Believing The Best
If fear leads to assumptions, then love leads to believing.
Love is the opposite emotion of fear, and by replacing fear with love we are able to operate not out of assumptions, but rather out of belief—believing in the possibility of what this situation provides; believing in the good of others and the opportunity this season affords for displaying that goodness; believing in our own ability to overcome the difficulties and come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more connected to those around us in our lives.
Choosing to live out of love instead of fear helps us thrive in the midst of uncertainty. More importantly, it opens up the door for us to believe the best instead of assume the worst.
“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.” — Anthony de Mello
This reminder is important for each of us to hear, especially with what we are consuming in the form of news reports, articles, social media posts, and here-say within our communities. This exchange of information can lead us to a fear-response, or it can lead us to an intentional love-response. One assumes the worst, the other chooses to believe in the good that can come. The beauty of these two paths is found in the fruit they produce, because language is generative—which means the words we choose to use influence and produce the future we eventually live.
I don’t know about you, but I am going to choose love—this day and every day. And for the days I don’t, for the days I fall short? There’s grace (Reminder #2), praise God for grace. And even in those times of failing, I can remind myself of my foundation—my cornerstone habits that will help return and keep the building of my life in place.
“The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands, and then work outward from there.” — Robert Pirsig
“Some things have to be believed to be seen.” — Madeleine L’Engle
