When There Is No Margin
No room to breath and no end in sight.
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The 2020's have already brought far more than we bargained for. Like any new decade, it started with excitement and anticipation. Yet quickly that excitement turned to worry and dread as COVID entered center-stage, suddenly flipping our collective world upside down. A few years down the road now, the question that begs itself is: has anything really changed?
The hope for an event affecting the entire world is that we would grow together, become more human, recognize all that we share in common, and stop majoring on the minor differences between us. I don't have to tell you what really happened...
Yet, here we are, seemingly on the other side of the global pandemic, and what has truly changed? As I reflected on the past few months in my own life, one answer to this question became glaringly apparent.
My Experience
It was early March, and my wife and I had just decided to start the grueling process of finding our first home. We created our Zillow filters, saved our searches, and began scouring the maps for any potentials we could find. First weekend, nine showings. Second weekend, only a handful of showings (we learned our lesson). Third weekend... and on it goes (for what seems like infinity).
From online searching, to discussing options, to weighing neighborhoods, to driving around to see them in person, to asking for advice, to praying about options, to worrying about all the change that's to come, to stressing about interest rates on the rise, to feeling like the cloud of future unknowns is constantly hanging over your head—this was a gauntlet that took all we had.
When we were in the process, I found myself lost without even knowing it. There was an overwhelm that wasn't as much debilitating as it was constant and ever-present, residing beneath the surface of consciousness. I knew it was too much, and I knew I had no room to breathe, but for some odd reason it kind of felt normal. It kind of felt like this was just... what was expected.
The house hunting process did come to a close (and we are very grateful for that), but a funny thing happened. Instead of life returning to normal, the underlying overwhelm pressed on into the days and weeks following. Which begged the question: surely I'm not the only one experiencing this?
Our Collective Experience
While blaming my internal chaos on a house-hunt is convenient (and partially true), it isn't the full story. Chances are you've experienced this background overwhelm, whether or not you're in a house-hunting scenario. Odds are, the majority of people in our modern western world are facing levels of overwhelm that are hard to grasp and fully understand. Even worse, much of these experiences of overwhelm may now be beneath the conscious surface... unknowingly becoming the new norm.
What's at play? Why are we experiencing this? What can we do about it?
Here's a few stabs at it (and I'm guessing you'll find yourself relating to quite a few):
Virtual Reality - Time works differently in a virtual world. This shouldn't be hard to understand, yet we all seem to underestimate its impact. In a normal world, we have natural rhythms and limitations baked into our day. From driving to work, taking lunch breaks, having casual conversations in the hallway, bathroom breaks, meetings at cafes, happy hours around town, shared time-zones and workday hours, and more; these typical interruptions bring space to our schedules that we don't even think about... until they're gone that is.
In our virtual world of working from a cafe, or from abroad, or from your bedroom desk (guilty), these limitations suddenly vanish, and without thinking about it, we begin to book up our days with 2x more meetings, events, activities, and expectations that are wholly unrealistic (and unhealthy).
The Post-COVID Itch - What gets stacked on top of this virtual experience is a hunger and thirst for getting out and simply doing, especially after months and years of being locked up and stuck at home. We want to make up for the lost time of the past few years, so: “let's do everything and all of it at once,” which sounded like a good idea in our head. Pretty soon we end up barely appreciating any of the experiences because of how much we have going on, not to mention our underlying overwhelm that's clouding the beauty of each individual activity. It becomes an act of doing without relishing, appreciating, or fully enjoying. This results in the activities losing their intrinsic value: the energizing, revitalizing, and refreshing nature of hobbies and events we enjoy. Not only do they lose their value, they actually become a part of the problem, contributing to the baseline of overwhelm in our everyday experience.
Relearning Boundaries - Coming out of forced restrictions we tend to throw limits to the wind and say “to hell with it! What are boundaries anyway?” Yet boundaries are needed. We are human, we have limitations, and we need to enforce certain limitations for our overall health and wellbeing. But boundaries aren't normal, we don't default to setting them or abiding by them. We have to intentionally create and commit to them. In this return to some normalcy post-COVID, we are being forced to relearn boundaries—relearning how to create, maintain, and adapt to what new boundaries are needed. And typically we aren't very good at this...
Uncomfortable Space & Quiet - Then comes the discomfort of feeling something we don't often experience. When our world is full of noise and movement and doing, then space, calm, and quiet become the plague we want to avoid. We've been going and doing for so long, we've forgotten what stillness, silence, and solitude feel like. Yet there is nothing more important to countering the effects of our underlying overwhelm than the medicine of space and quiet. Stilling our minds, our body, and our souls has never been more important yet simultaneously more avoided.
Worshipping Hyper-Productivity - There is also a large part of our western cultural mindset that absolutely loves the hyper-productivity our virtual world makes possible. Now we are able to optimize everything, packing our schedules even more full of calls from all over the world. This urge to eliminate our limits isn't a new phenomenon among humans (think tower of Babel: Genesis 6). It's an age-old desire with a brand-new haircut, and I know you fall prey to it as much as I do.
Rumination - It's also important to note that the low-level overwhelm is bolstered by a certain amount of rumination that comes from a traumatic experience like a world-wide pandemic. When everyone has experienced some version or level of that trauma, we are all less-equipped to help ourselves, let alone the other. This doesn't just magically disappear into thin air, and there are subconscious ruminations—remnants of the experiences of the past few years—that are undoubtedly contributing to this underlying overwhelm.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... there's a lot at play.
If we had to highlight one aspect behind what has changed, it's a loss of margin in our everyday lives.
What's important for us is knowing when enough is enough. Knowing when it's time to turn the tide and flip the script. When we must begin shaping our own destiny and living as the person we want to be.
I'm with you in this. There are so many parts of my overwhelm experience that were within my control yet I did nothing about, partly because of fatigue, partly because of confusion, and partly due to a lack of awareness on what I was experiencing. That's the point of these words: to kickstart awareness, grow our understanding of the experience, and share strategies for turning it around.
So here are some of those strategies:
Strategies
Pause
Pausing is more powerful than we give it credit. Taking a few seconds before responding. Taking a few minutes before starting the day. Taking a week to sit on a big decision. Taking space to pause can look like a lot of different things, but it almost always requires intention. We must choose to do it or else it will never be done.
“Slowing down enables you to act in a high quality way. Kind rather than curt. Polished rather than sloppy. It's hard to be thoughtful when you're in a rush.” — James Clear
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“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” — Anne Lamott
Boundaries (bookends)
One of the best ways to practice boundaries is by committing to bookending your day with consistent routines—having a few things you commit to doing every morning before you start your day, and every evening as you wind down and get ready for bed. These bring rhythm and dependability in the midst of chaotic days.
“I started dividing my to-do list into 1) things I have to do, 2) things I want to do, and 3) things other people want me to do. Life changing! I often don’t get to #3 and I finally realized... this is what it means to have boundaries.” — Jenée Desmond-Harris
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“Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.” — Will Durant
Expectations (expect less)
We have to get better at expecting less of ourselves, especially when it comes to scheduling. What goes into the calendar often dictates how overwhelmed we end up feeling. Expecting less of ourselves, while it sounds counterintuitive (and especially counter-productive), is a way to prevent us from stacking the deck against us and setting ourselves up for a prolonged period of zero margin and underlying overwhelm.
“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.” — Anthony de Mello
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“True security lies in the unrestrained embrace of insecurity - in the recognition that we never really stand on solid ground, and never can.” — Oliver Burkeman
Patience (play the long game)
Alongside expectations comes patience. We have to constantly remind ourselves to trust the process, to play the long game. It will not happen overnight, and shifting our thinking to reflect that is crucial to regaining healthy margin in our days.
“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” — Jean-Jacques Rousseau
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“I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal. A day when one has not pushed oneself to the limit seems a damaged, damaging day, a sinful day. Not so! The most valuable thing one can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room.” — May Sarton
Be Human (do whatever makes you more human, not less)
Finally, we need to do our best to be human. Doing things that make us more human and not less is of utmost importance. So, what is it that makes you feel alive? And how can you incorporate more of that intentionally back into your life?
“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. ...whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.” — Mary Oliver
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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” — Howard Thurman
We all have times where there simply is no margin. The goal isn't to eliminate these entirely, but rather to recognize them more consciously, and to counteract them with strategies that return us to health. We are all human, we have limits that we cannot escape. Margin is a limit we need to embrace, and through that we may begin to see the beauty in our collective humanity while better understanding our unique contribution to the whole.
“While all eyes are elsewhere, magical things can happen in the margins.” — Kenneth Goldsmith
