Our Misguided Approach To Unity
“Love is putting your happiness in the happiness of the other one.” — Jonathan Edwards
“Loving someone means helping them to be more themselves, which can be different from being what you'd like them to be, although often they turn out the same.” — Merle Shain
“Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.” — Laurie Buchanan
What is it that we like about “sameness?”
Isn’t funny that we as adults tend to be much more attracted to sameness than kids? Has that ever struck you?
For some reason, the older we grow, the more group-ish we become.
The next question that follows is: Is that a good thing? Does that produce positive results? What comes from our group-ish tendencies? And ultimately, why does it even matter?
We’ve got our work cut out for us in this one…
Early Beginnings
I’m not sure how often you reflect on childhood, but man is it weird sometimes to think about who you were as a kid. Believe it or not, I was incredibly shy growing up. In my earliest years my mother had to force me to go up and talk / interact with other adults. It was torture.
It took me many years of being resistant to these interactions before it one-day flipped, and then I became a sort of social butterfly in a short period of time. I’ve never really known why this was or what caused the sudden 180, but I think some of the pieces have finally begun to fall into place as I’m writing this today.
You see, when I was growing up I loved to play sports. As I began to join different teams and compete in different leagues or tournaments, this love for sports began to slowly morph into a love for competition. I had been blessed with a large amount of natural skill, talent, and athleticism, which predisposed me to be better than many of my peers throughout my childhood. This was a blessing and a curse, because in hindsight, this fueled my blossoming personality, an extroverted-ness that was based more on this idea that since I was good at x, y, or z, then everyone else would do well to be more like me…
In reality, I began to wish that everyone else could really be just like me.
This is a childish mentality, which is fitting when I was a pre-teen, or even maybe acceptable when I was a teenager, but what about carrying this mindset as an adult? Is that still seemingly “acceptable?” Aren’t childish mentalities meant to be grown out of?
Different Seasons Of The Same
Even though we believe childish mentalities are often grown out of, I don’t think it’s as often as we would assume. In fact, I’m prone to believe that it’s far more rare than we can imagine.
I remember my group-ish mentality didn’t leave me as I entered into adulthood and college. Instead, it morphed into a more socially acceptable form of the very same idea. This time, it was being attracted to and dedicating time and attention to others who I thought were just like me. I quickly developed a friend group and identified with people who I thought shared my same thoughts, interests, hobbies, and even ethnicities. You may be thinking: “well sure, that’s perfectly normal and something we all do, even today!” And you’re right! I still do this in many ways in my current life. But it is no longer devoid of my consciousness, and it is no longer all that I need (or know I need).
We may feel that we have moved past our childish mentalities, or the foolish ignorance of our youth, but think about you current circle of friends in your life — Do they look like you? Talk like you? Dress like you? Think like you?
Has anything really changed since that elementary school playground?
Our Common Nature
This is common. In fact, this would be considered “normal.” I would even go as far as to say easier.
As humans, we group among like kind. This is because it’s easier for us to manage! It saves us the mental headache of having to actually think for ourselves, process a different perspective, interact with forms of disparity, and actually engage instead of just “hang.”
I’m not trying to shame you or guilt-trip you into my “agenda”—I am in this boat with you! I’m trying to bring light to our common, human nature. We are inherently lazy. We will choose the easier path by default. If we are going to walk down the harder road it will have to be intentionally chosen.
I think it’s also helpful to point out that our society is geared towards likeness or sameness. Think about corporations, if you are an employee within a large organization, you will likely be grouped among fellow employees who share your roles and responsibilities. Think about sports teams, you are often paired with training partners and players who share similar levels of talent and ability. Think about education, you are often put into classrooms with students of a similar competency. Think about neighborhoods, you often look to live in places that are filled with people who share similar backgrounds and socio-economic status in life.
We all fall into many of these categories (if not all) because it is our common nature. Not only that, but it is also more productive, efficient, and comfortable—things that we all enjoy and love, especially in America or the western world. But is it what’s best? Is it what’s most helpful?
If you had to boil down our common nature as adults, it is a natural desire and bent towards uniformity—being around those who look/act/think just like you.
Why Isn’t Uniformity Helpful?
Uniformity can serve a helpful purpose, but it is only for a season.
A great example of this is (actual) uniforms in the education system and in business. Uniforms are meant to eliminate the distraction (and potential liability) of what clothes are worn to either the school or work environment. By dictating what must be worn, you are able to focus on the real reason why you are in those environments—to either gain an education or to fulfill your role within the company or organization. These forms of uniformity are helpful, but they wouldn’t be helpful if it applied to all areas of your life—like wearing a suit to the park on a Saturday afternoon, or wearing your school uniform to the movies with your friends on a Friday night. They serve a purpose for a season or a specific part of your life.
The point of this example is: uniformity can be a helpful thing, but it is never the answer.
Uniformity isn’t helpful because it isn’t possible.
Have you ever thought of that? Uniformity is literally not possible. There is not a single person on this planet that looks exactly like you, talks exactly like you, or thinks exactly like you. Even identical twins share some differences in these regards!
Uniformity literally isn’t possible, yet we somehow still seem to think it’s a worthy pursuit and an attainable endeavor. We somehow think it would be what’s best.
“People fight with reality. They fight it tooth and nail, with everything they’ve got. And anytime you are arguing or fighting with reality, reality will win. You can’t outsmart it. You can’t trick it. You can’t bend it to your will. Not now. Not ever.”
— Bill Burnett
This is laughable, and we are all guilty of this common thinking.
As we saw in the examples above, uniformity can be a helpful thing for a time, situation, or season, but it is never the answer.
So What Is The Answer?
Why do we all long for uniformity? A big part of the reason why we long for it in our bones is because we long to be together with our fellow humanity—we are wired for relation.
This desire is good, and it is deep within each of our bones. It is the positive driver of uniformity, just as much as the self-centered, ignorant driver is sameness.
So the question is: How can we keep the positive driver of relation to and with our fellow humanity without giving into the self-centered driver of sameness?
The answer is a shift of focus from uniformity to unity.
Unity is the pearl for us to pursue. Unity is the focus that we must pivot towards, away from uniformity. The reality is, even if there is a group of people who look like you, talk like you, and think like you, that group of people is only a small piece of the entire puzzle. If the puzzle is going to be solved, if the puzzle is going to be brought together, if the puzzle is going to be united as one, then we must shift our emphasis away from uniformity and onto the idea of unity.
Because unity is possible even in the midst of diversity.
How?
The only way unity is possible in the midst of diversity is through love. Not the feeling-based love, but the action-based, sacrificial love that lays down your life for the other, regardless of what they look like, talk like, or think like.
This is the kind of love that is hard, so brutally difficult. But it is the kind of love that transforms, not only the recipient but even more-so the giver. It’s the kind of transformation that our country and our world is in desperate need of right now, and it’s the kind of love that you—yes, You!—are able to bring into the day-to-day interactions of your life and your community.
Let us value unity above uniformity, for only in this shift is transformation and wholeness made possible.
