The Unifying Power Of Observation
“Do not hold your views too firmly. Every fool is fully convinced, and every one fully persuaded is a fool: the more erroneous his judgment the more firmly he holds it.” — Baltasar Gracián
“We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.” — Don Miguel-Ruiz
“Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.” — Benjamin Franklin
What feels good about making a judgment?
It makes us feel protected. It makes us feel in the right. It makes us feel better-than. It makes us more secure in our own beliefs.
I would suggest although these feelings are (for most) our first response and also seemingly wise, they are limiting, dividing, and demeaning.
Our modern society has shown much of what the fruit of judgment entails. We are more divided then ever before, and more hostile towards “the other” than I’ve experienced in my lifetime. Every single news flash or update that comes in leads to us feeling the need to "have an opinion” (code for: make a judgment).
The question I’ve been pondering is: What would our society be like if we made less judgments and more observations?
Before we get there, let’s try to unpack our propensity toward judgment...
Human Wiring
What is it about our human nature that makes us prone to judgment?
There is much to uncover when we ponder this question. My mind goes to the subconscious valuations that often run behind the scenes. Usually, it boils down to superiority vs. inferiority. Judgments are in themselves a way of seeing how we stack up with another human being. By putting a valuation on them and their action, we place ourselves and the other in a competition with one person, inevitably, being placed lower than the other.
So, the first reason why we always want to make judgments is because we like winners and losers, and we all want to ensure we can be winners (aka viewing ourselves as better) even if it’s only within our minds.
We judge because we like to view ourselves as better than the other.
The second reason why I think we’re wired for judgment is because we crave control. Being in control is a position of power, and it also gives a sense of security—even if it’s a false sense. By making a judgment, we are putting ourselves in the seat of authority inferring that we have the right answer and, as a result, we can tell another what is right or wrong, good or bad. At its core, I believe this comes down to control. Anytime we are operating out of a place of power (such as control), we tend to operate out of fear instead of love.
We judge because we crave control and love security.
The third reason judgment tends to be our default response is because it is the easier path. Picking a side—determining what’s black and what’s white—is always easier than remaining in the grey. (This is also referred to as “dualistic thinking”—vs. “non-dualistic thinking.”) Unresolved stances on issues or ideas leaves us in a greater place of tension, and this is something we all will naturally strive to avoid. In daily situations and interactions, by classifying a person, a picture, or a message, as either good or bad, right or wrong (aka making a judgment), we are eliminating the need to consciously think about the other’s perspective—removing the inner-work of examining our own thoughts, beliefs, or ideas about the way the world works. And, furthermore, projecting our limiting views onto whatever or, whomever we are making a judgement towards.
We judge because it is the easier path to take.
A final reason why we are prone to making judgments is that it means we don’t have to change. Judgments stem from our personal perspective (worldview) and, therefore, what we deem to be right or wrong is then broadly applied to those around us regardless of the inherent differences within each human being and the experiences each individual has. Making a judgment on something means we have already decided the classification it deserves, and thus we don’t have to change anything about ourselves or the way we think.
We judge because it allows us to avoid the need to change.
The scary part of all this is how easy it is for us to err on snap-judgments, and how natural it is for us to justify our doing so…
Why is it hurtful?
Judgments can be both helpful and hurtful.
The helpful kind of judgment is usually situational, specific to a higher standard or authority, and doesn’t draw wide-sweeping conclusions based on the singular judgment that was made.
For example, if a person were to lie about a situation, it is helpful to make a judgment on that person—whether or not the lie was justified, whether it is a one-time occurrence or a habitual practice, whether or not it broke the law / hurt others. This is a helpful judgment. It is judging a specific situation based on a higher standard (the law). What isn’t helpful is to draw wide-sweeping conclusions based on this judgment—that all people like this type of person lies, that this individual is lesser than any other human because of this lie, that we are somehow superior to them because we haven’t lied in that one specific situation before.
The times when judgment is most helpful it is kept to the realm of specific situations and are based on a higher authority than the individual, while resisting the temptation to make broad conclusions about the person as a result of the judgment.
“Always remember that to argue, and win, is to break down the reality of the person you are arguing against. It is painful to lose your reality, so be kind, even if you are right.” — Haruki Murakami
The hurtful kind of judgment is usually preferential, personal, based on the individual’s authority, and draws conclusions that aren’t fair to anyone or anything… especially yourself.
For example, if a person were living on the street, it is hurtful to make a judgment on that person: they got what they deserved based on their actions and choices, they could get off the streets if they really tried or wanted to, they aren’t worth helping because they aren’t trustworthy, etc. etc.
To bring this closer to home, a hurtful judgment is when you think your roommate is inconsiderate because they left dirty dishes in the sink. This leads to you becoming frustrated and upset at them and feeling entitled to an apology… or at least having them clean the dishes as soon as possible. Sure, this is small and trivial and seemingly not a judgment but, the implications are massive. If we can make a snap-judgment about our roommate based on something as small as dirty dishes, then what else are we constantly making judgments about throughout the day?
The person driving in front of you that’s going below the speed-limit making you late for work (or the person going so fast they cut you off on the freeway). The grocer that was super rude while checking you out at the grocery store. The coworker that is constantly talking to you despite you wanting to simply work in your peace and quiet. The child that won’t stop screaming on the airplane, especially on the flight where all you wanted to do was sleep. I’m sure I’ve missed just a few…
Observations In Place Of Judgment
The question I’ve been pondering (and encourage you to ponder now) is: What would happen if we all became better observers?
In each example given above, judgments can be helpful or hurtful. More times than not, they are hurtful. I find this to be especially true in the small circumstances and interactions of daily life. Judgments tend to classify and sort people out based on our own, personal conclusions and standards which inevitably creates an “us vs. them” environment instead of “we”—an environment of a shared humanity.
“Your personal experiences make up maybe 0.00000001% of what’s happened in the world but maybe 80% of how you think the world works... We’re all biased to our own personal history.” — Morgan Housel
What I am not advocating is to remove all judgment from our lives and from society. What I am proposing is the idea of actively replacing our daily, momentary judgments with observations. Observations mean that we simply see the thing for what it is. An observation is all about being a better see-er of things, not a better judger of things.
I think it is fair to say that we have built a robust society of judgers already, and the first step to undoing the polarization that comes as a result of constant judgment from every side is to start building the habit of observation.
With the example of a roommate leaving dirty dishes in the sink, if I were to merely observe the situation instead of first casting a judgment, I would become curious about why the dishes were left. Maybe my roommate had a busy day and felt rushed in every activity—including eating. Maybe they had a phone call that popped up right when they finished eating and completely forgot about the dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe they simply didn’t feel like doing them right then and there (something I am so often guilty of).
“Statements generate resistance, whereas questions generate answers.” — William Ury
If a person is driving below the speed limit in front of you, maybe they are very hesitant about driving and are scared to go any faster. If a person cuts you off, maybe they are embarrassingly late to a crucial meeting and are completely stressed out as a result. If the grocer was rude, maybe they’ve had an awful day and simply need someone to ask them how they’re doing (and actually care when doing so). If the coworker is always talking to you, maybe they don't have anyone else that has seen or heard them throughout the day and are longing for that human connection.
Here’s the point: becoming better observers and lesser judgers allows us to remain curious and to better see each other as co-equals, as fellow human beings. It also allows us to start to approach situations, ideologies, opinions (you name it) from an objective point of view… one where you’re actually considering whatever it is you are observing instead of categorizing it, naming it, or deeming it ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’
“Liberty is never being too sure you’re right.” — Judge Learned Hand
Observing helps us be for each other instead of against each other. Observing allows us to see more objectively and creates more child-like wonder at the things that are going on around us every single day. Defaulting to observation gives us more time to see and learn before we dismiss or categorize something that shouldn’t be. It also helps us diffuse our emotions that so often skew our perspective or heighten our feelings toward anything.
How We Grow
This can be a heady-type subject, and that isn’t helpful. What’s helpful is tangible actions.
How we grow in replacing judgment with observation is first recognizing the times when we default to judgment.
Once we begin to more consistently recognize when judgment occurs in our life, we can then begin understanding the “why” behind said judgments. Why do we tend to judge others? Why do we often judge a certain type of person or a certain situation that regularly occurs? Is it usually helpful or hurtful when I make the judgment? What would happen if I replace that judgment with mere observation instead?
After we’ve better understood why we make snap-judgments, we can then begin the hard work of actively replacing judgment with observation. This is the heavy-lifting of building a new habit and it will take time and repetitions before it ever will start becoming our default.
This is path of growth, and, this is the process I believe will produce more unified, empathetic, and humble people in a time when those traits seem to be rapidly disappearing.
“We are capable of transcending the hell that we are also capable of producing. That’s within our grasp.” — Jordan Peterson
“Every viewpoint is a view from a point. The more ways of knowing we use, the closer we come to understanding, and yet the full picture will always elude us. In this way, mystery is endlessly knowable.” — Richard Rohr
